The Doll, and other Various Oneshots
by block mango reino
Summary: Okay, since I promised myself I wouldn't publish anymore stories before I finished one, I will put all my Twilight oneshots in here. I don't own twilight, blah blah, rated T cuz i feel like it, blah blah, read and review cuz it puts a smile on my face
1. The Doll

**Okie dokie, so, I don't own twilight but I wish I did blah blah blah.**

**have any of you seen the twilight doll?**

**if you haven't, here it is. .**

**here is a script if the cullens found out it was real!!**

Bella: whoa! edward, come here

Edward: What is it my love…. whoa!

Bella: There are dolls of us!

Edward: OMC!

Bella: What?!?!?

Edward: I have that jacket!

Bella: They did a good job on you! My doll looks creepy!

Edward: Your doll is beautiful, just like you. Except no doll could portray how lovely you are.

Outside Voice (Miss Ter): everybody go awwww BOOOOO **(they didn't hear that)**

Bella: -blushes- Have I ever told you I loved you?

Edward: I slightly remember that. I don't think any dolls that look like us could love each other as much as we really do!

Bella: That was slightly confusing.

Edward: They got my hair all wrong!

Bella: And your face, what were they thinking, putting your god-like features onto porcelain!

Edward: Do you know who my doll looks like? That guy in the fourth Harry Potter movie!

Bella: Cedric Diggory played by Robert Pattinson?

Edward: He doesn't look like me at all! Well, nobody could pull this off!

Bella: He's in this new movie, called Twilight.

Edward: What's it about?

Bella: A vampire falling in love with a human.

Edward: That sort of sounds like if we were a movie.

Bella: That's a Hannah Montana song!

Edward: Don't even get me started on her. You like her?

Bella: Like_d_. In around fifth grade.

Edward: Forgetting that horrible music era, let's go downstairs.

Bella: But wont they be jealous that we have dolls and they don't?

Edward: Alice might be, but the others wont.

(walk downstairs)

Bella: Hey guys! We have DOLLS!

Edward: Way to not make them jealous.

Alice: Not fair!

Rosalie: What's not fair is that they have a Jacob doll **(no they don't)** and they don't have any of us!

Jasper: You should get a Jacob doll, so you can torture it!

Rosalie: Good idea!

Edward: Where's Emmett?

Carlisle: He went down to the post office for Bella's "birthday gift".

Esme: That should be interesting.

Emmett: HONEY and everyone else!!!! I'm home!!!

Rosalie: What's in the box, Em?

Alice: Oh, I see it! ROFL!

Edward: Oh no.

Bella: I hate gifts.

Alice: Cool wrapping paper.

(wrapping paper is apples, flowers, ribbons, and chess pieces.)

(Bella tears it open)

Edward: OMC no way no way!

Jasper: That was strangely out of character.

Bella: It's the dolls we were just looking at five minutes ago!

Edward: I wonder how they knew. (looks at alice)

Emmett: -grabs dolls, removes clothes- Ha, ha, ha.

Edward: Please stop.

Emmett: Oh come on, plastic underclothes.

Esme: Remember Emmett, these are dolls. For SMALL CHILDREN!

Bella: -blushes really red. stuffs head in pillow-

Emmett: -makes dolls do it-

Esme: -takes dolls from Emmett- Stop, you're embarrassing Bella!

Emmett: That's the point!

Rosalie: This is good! I'll go get some blood flavored popcorn!

Jasper: Oooh extra bloody please!

Alice: Hey let's go see that vampire movie!

Jasper: Can we bring the bloody popcorn?

Alice: Yes dear.

(they all see the movie)

Carlisle: They're onto us!

Edward: To Alaska!

(they get to Alaska)

Bella: I'm cold.

Edward: I'm thirsty. I must hunt so I do not eat you.

(runs off to eat a polar bear **{sorry polar bear lovers, vamps gotta eat}**)

(Jacob randomly appears, with theme music)

Jacob: -dun dunuh NUH- Don't worry Bella, I'll keep you warm!

Edward: -licks lips- In your dreams dog!

Jacob: -whimper, randomly disappears-

Alice: There are no malls here. I'm going to this cute little city in France where it always rains but is warm. You wanna come?

Bella: Yes please!

(Edward, Bella, Alice, and Jasper go to France)

Rosalie: Where'd the others go?

Emmett: IDK, my bff Jill?

(in France….)

Alice: Yay shopping!

Bella: Ugh, shopping.

Edward/Jasper: I'm staying out of this.

Bella: Can we go back to Forks?

Edward: Love, we can't!

Bella: Yes we can! The actors look nothing like any of us except for one or two features, and they don't even have the same names! Gosh!

Edward: Oh. Okay then.

Jasper: Haha! Eddiepoo's all embarrassed! I can _feeeeeeeeel_ it.

Edward: Don't you dare call me that if you like your head.

Jasper: I love my head more than anything!

Alice: ExCUSE me?

Jasper: Except Alice of course.

Alice: That's better.

(in Forks…..)

Charlie: Where the hell were you? You're grounded until you're an adult.

Bella: I'm 18, dad.

Charlie: Bye then! I'm going fishing until I die! Come on Billy!

Edward: We have the house to ourselves….

Bella: So let's……

**LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON**

Bella: AHHH!! RENESMEE!

Jacob: AHHHH!! I LOVE YOU!

Edward: AAAAAAHH! I HATE YOU JACOB BLACK!

Bella: Cool I'm a vampire!

(Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett return from Alaska)

Emmett: We think you ditched us.

Bella: Oh really?

Carlisle: What happened while we were gone?

Bella: Oh, nothing.

Renesmee: Goo!

Jacob: Shush Nessie, you'll blow it!

Bella/Edward: What did you just call her?

**the end, and the rest is history.**

Edward: that's not how it went

Bella: no, not at all.

Me: too bad! read breaking dawn if you want the real thing!


	2. How Each Powered Vampire Got Their Power

**this is just a random oneshot, and hardly one at that. I was just thinking about what in their human life that would give them the power they have in their vampire life. I am not stephenie meyer, so there. this is sort of like those stupid stories, how the elephant got its trunk and all that, but with more sarcasm and witty remark, no story.**

im going to start with the most obvious ones, or the ones mentioned in the book.

**alice the awesome psychic**: she had "premonitions" when she was human. that was the reason she was put in the asylum.

**jane the psycho bully**: for those who forgot, jane's power is to put people in pain. My guess is that she was a bully when she was human, and that just intensified into a power.

**marcus the guy who never talks and apparently has a power: **im not really sure, but somebody told me that he could sense relationships. so, maybe he was a matchmaker a bazillion years ago. I have no idea.

**aro the over-friendly bad-guy:** I think aro was a people person, when he was a human. maybe he was a human when there were dinosaurs. since his power is to know every single thought one person has known by making physical contact, maybe when he was human he would know all about someone by meeting them. maybe people were simpler then….

**james the evil weirdo:** he was a tracker. maybe he liked to play hide and seek…

**demetri the creepy mental tracker: **maybe like james' and edward's power together. maybe he played hide and seek with people once he knew what their voice sounded like.

**Victoria the freaky vampire who I found out has a power by means of wikipedia:** according to wikipedia, she apparently always knows the safe place to go to. who knows, maybe she was actually a good person when she was human, and she was like an awesome travel agent or something who could somehow always find the best place for someone to go on vacation.

**zafrina the awesome illusionist: **you all know what her power is, and its pretty cool. similar to Renesmee's power, I would guess. maybe she was into art when she was human, so she would always show her work to everyone. Hey, this is somehow supposed to be comical, right? I was just thinking, Zafrina would be an adorable child, always shoving her "pretty pictures" (quote, Renesmee Cullen) in the grown-ups faces.

**eleazar, whose power makes absolutely no sense to me:** his power is to sense other vampire's gifts. This doesn't make sense at all, because he obviously didn't come in contact with vampires until he was changed, so he also didn't come in contact with vampires who had gifts. Unless he was a teacher or something, who could tell what the students were good at. he would be helpful to me while making this list.

**kate the shocky person:** don't let this introduction fool you, I am a big kate fan. I suppose her power has something to do with a lot of involvement with electricity. maybe she would figure out every way to shock someone, or maybe she was good with appliances. Though I love steph meyer, I wish she would describe some of her characters more.

**charles, the ultimate truth detector, and Maggie, the ultimate lie detector: **I am putting these two together, because they practically have the same power. maybe when they were human they were good gamblers, or they were around people like me, with terrible poker faces, according to Laura.

**Benjamin; bender of earth, air, wind, and fire: **sort of like that avatar: the last airbender thing. I guess he was a nature person. but playing with fire? shame on his parents! Not him, though.

**Siobhan, with an easy simple power that I wish I could have: **her power is to make things go her way. maybe she was really bossy as a human. sort of like I am. hmm… maybe when I become a vampire (which SO will happen. eventually. even if in my dreams), I could have a cool power like hers!

**bella: **I don't really have a description for her power. it was easy too, so this should have been near the top. bella was a shield when she was human, and she is a shield now. easy peasy. if it were me, I would be complaining that I had a crappy power. im pretty sure that everybody could see this coming.

**Renesmee, the oddly named child, with an odd power: **she was never a human, so there. her power are the opposites of bella's and edward's powers. bella keeps people out, nessie gets people in. edward gets into others thoughts, nessie shows others her thoughts.

**the sexiest mind reader EVAH: **edward. of course, I saved the hardest one for last. wikipedia says that he had a lot of empathy when he was human, so that lead to reading minds. isn't jasper the empath? oh I forgot him. woops.

**jasper the freaky empath who looks like he's in pain: **he feels people's emotions, and he was in the army when he was human. I don't think that makes any sense. he obviously didn't share with the family what he was like when he was human, only what he did.

**so, this is only what I think. this will remain a oneshot in a series of oneshots! read and review please!**


	3. If You Give A Vampire A Cookie

**You know the book if you give a mouse a cookie? Well this is based off of that! Guess what? I don't own Twilight or If you give a mouse a cookie! Doesn't that SUCK!**

If You Give A Vampire a Cookie

by Block Reino-Cullen

If you give a vampire a cookie

He will probably say no.

Unless that vampire is Emmett.

Then you can bribe him for twenty bucks to eat it.

Then he will probably say yes.

So you watch him eat it.

All the while, you are rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.

Since vampires can't eat human food, he coughs it up.

Then he asks for the money you owe him.

You search in your pocket, but no money.

Emmett is not too happy.

He gives you a compromise.

You have to be his personal slave for the rest of the day.

You are extremely scared.

You try to run up the stairs, but you trip.

Emmett laughs.

His first command is to stay away from Edward for the rest of the day.

A loud "ARG" is heard throughout the house.

You beg and plead not to stay away from Edward.

But he responds that you are going to be away from him anyway.

This sucks.

He tells you to go shopping with Rosalie and Leah.

But neither Rosalie nor Leah want to.

Emmett forces both of them too.

So now you have to shop with cranky Rosalie and Leah.

You don't really go shopping.

You play would you rather for an hour and a half.

Since you are with Leah, Alice can't see where you are.

Then Leah leaves, and it all becomes clear to her.

She and Edward are coming to rescue you.

For some reason, you don't really want to be rescued.

You try hide in a bush.

Rosalie thinks you are an imbecile.

While trying to hide, you trip.

Now you are covered in scratches.

Rosalie leaves.

Edward finds you with torn clothes and scratched skin.

He tries to return you to the house.

Alice insists on taking you shopping, because your clothes are wrecked.

You complain.

Edward comes too, to protect you.

You get a new outfit.

You realize that you are breaking Emmett's rules.

You don't really care.

You ask for a dollar from Edward.

He asks why, but you give him no reason.

You scamper up to Emmett and give him the money.

You are not his slave anymore.

Hooray!

You give Edward a big hug.

He kisses you passionately.

Your face must be beet red by now.

You ask Edward for the millionth time to change you into a vampire.

He said yes somehow.

It was like he leaned into a kiss.

And bites you.

You burn for the correct time.

You wake up and kiss Edward awesomely.

You look at yourself in the mirror.

You are awesome.

You go downstairs to tell the other Cullens.

You trip down the stairs.

Then you wake up from your fantasy.

You are in your pajamas.

Edward is smiling.

He is so dazzling.

He asks you what you want to do today.

You tell him to eat a cookie.

He reluctantly eats the cookie, confused.

You wonder where you got a cookie.

He asks why he ate a cookie.

You tell him about your dream.

You wonder why he hasn't regurgitated the cookie yet.

You keep this wondering to yourself.

He tells you that we have to go to school.

This sucks.

Mike tries to ask you out for the millionth time.

You tell him you would rather go out with a toad.

He sobs and walks away.

You think that that was really out of character.

You blame the author.

Emmett high fives you.

You think your hand is broken.

Edward takes you to the hospital.

You find two girls, a blonde and a brunette. **(this is me and Laura)**

They are arguing who is hotter, Peter Facinelli or Robert Pattinson. **(Peter Facinelli is my side)**

They ask you for your opinion.

You say, definitely Peter Facinelli.

You continue on to see Carlisle.

You realize he looks kind of like Peter Facinelli.

As he fixes your hand, you tell him this discovery.

He laughs.

You are determined to hate him for all of eternity.

He smiles, and you fail.

Edward asks you what you have against Robert Pattinson.

You tell him that Rob Pattinson is butt ugly.

He somehow thinks that he looks like Rob Pattinson.

You ask why.

You tell him that he is beautiful and Robert Pattinson is butt ugly.

You look at yourself and you are still in your pajamas!

No wonder everyone was laughing at you today!

You are now eternally mad at Edward for not warning you.

You stomp off.

All the way to your house.

You trip a couple times.

Now your pajamas are covered in mud.

This sucks.

When you change into normal clothes

Edward appears.

He kisses you.

This eternal anger thing is harder than you think.

You take a nap.

Edward wakes you.

Apparently, you slept through the whole afternoon and night.

He asks you what you want to do today.

You feel all déjà vu.

You run to go give Emmett a cookie.

Charlie catches you and reminds you to put on clothes.

Whew.

This whole thing happens again when you ask for one of the Cullens to eat a cookie.

This is what happens if you give a vampire a cookie.

**FIN**

**Here is a little short short story:**

**If you give an author named REINO-CULLEN a review**

**She will be very happy and give you virtual cookies.**

**You are very happy.**

**You go to review her other stories.**

**She gives you more virtual cookies.**

**This is what happens if you give an author named REINO-CULLEN a review.**

**so review!**

**cya!**

**R-C**


	4. The Mall

**Hey yall. This just randomly popped into my head. I shouldn't be doing this right now, because I should be practicing guitar, studying my haftarah, doing bat mitzvah things, etcetera etcetera etcetera. But I'm doing this! I think you should give me extra reviews for that!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Edward, or Jacob. But I do actually own a Team Edward sweatshirt!**

Edward POV

I am in Port Angeles with Jacob today, along with Alice and my Bella, who are shopping, much to my love's dismay. We are discussing certain things that he should and shouldn't be doing with my daughter. We are more like brothers, rather than father to almost stepson. I think my love's fateful pregnancy brought us closer. And, the fact that he is my precious daughter's soul mate, and so I kind of have to get used to him. I wish Rosalie could say the same. I tuned in on Jacob's thoughts.

_Hey, I'm starving! Can we stop at the…whoa, Eddie! Look over there!_ he thought. I looked in the direction he was looking. Two girls were sitting on the bench by the fountain, chatting. I listened to their thoughts also.

_Hmmm… I wonder if I can buy that shirt. Man, I need to study for my bat mitzvah. Oh no! I haven't studied for that math test!_ I chuckled at the randomness of her thoughts. Though she seemed a bit crazy, she also seemed like a good person. I heard the other one's thoughts.

_I have got to practice my haftarah! I wonder if Brooke can come over tomorrow, we still have a lot of books to sort._ This one, seemed more logical. I heard from their conversation that this one's name was Laura, and the other one's name was… Block? No, Brooke. Must be a nickname. What appalled me was their sweatshirts. Brooke's was grey and really big on her, and said **Team Edward Because Jacob Doesn't Sparkle**. I immediately panicked, but relaxed after I remembered that I sold the rights to Bella's and my story. I am delighted to see that it became so popular. The other girl's shirt said **Team Jacob**. I'm sure my wolfy comrade would enjoy that. Another girl walked up to them with a black shirt that said **Alice**. The real Alice, and my love, were at our sides within seconds.

"Oh my Carlisle, that is so cool! We have to go hang out with them!" Alice squealed. Bella and I rolled our eyes.

"Sure, why not? They're just teenagers, probably not even," Jacob put in.

"Fine," I said.

"Fine," Bella repeated. We walked up to the three friends.

"Hi! I'm Alice, and this is Bella, Jacob, and Edward! We're going to be the best of friends!" Alice told them while jumping up and down. They grinned at each other, and screamed in their minds. Nobody else heard it, but I think I have a headache now.

Brooke POV

OME it's really the Cullens! And Jacob… ew. I bet Laura's happy! I think Edward's listening to me… hi Edward! You're super cool and awesome! Do you like my sweatshirt?

"Yes, I do, Brooke," and he smiled that crooked smile that I've read about far too many times. He's married, I won't crush on him. He smiled at me, more thankfully.

"Come on! We're all going shopping! Including you two guys!" Yay, shopping!

"Nooooo," Jacob groaned.

"Nooooo," Edward moaned.

"Nooooo," Bella complained.

"Nooooo," Laura grumbled.

"Yay!" Sarah and I said.

We went to all of the good stores and some cool new ones that Alice recommended for each of our styles. Bella paused.

"Wait. How come I'm the only one who doesn't have a shirt for my team?" she asked. A blonde haired guy walked by, probably for Bella. Mike Newton!

"I have a shirt for you Bella!" he said like a five year old. Edward glared at him, and he ran off, just like a five year old.

**Sorry, this is the stupidest one yet. You can review though! Click the GREEN button! Not purple, apparently.**


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